Conscious Caregiving: Am I a Caregiver or a Caretaker?
The word caregiver can be defined as: “one who cares for someone with a condition that challenges his/her ability to care for their own daily living needs. ” The level of care taking varies from person to person as does the responsibility. A caregiver often awakes in the morning with a sense of a looming awareness of someone who is dependent on them. In a way, it can feel like having an additional child. How we approach that feeling of connection and viewing the experience as both at times a burden and a blessing, also becomes a choice of becoming a caretaker or caregiver.
To rise in the morning and resolve to consciously care for another requires thought and intention to maintain healthy boundaries. When the person we care for is a family member this choice becomes more difficult, but remembering that our own needs can’t be consumed by another is essential.
A young mother once shared with me about her struggles in caring for a child with a special health need who was immune suppressed and had to remain indoors most of the day. This amazing mother said her life was becoming all about her daughter and she would wake every morning with such a depressed outlook that she could barely get out of bed. Once she realized her need to have her own life aside from her caregiving of her daughter, she made a decision to leave every day for “mom time.”
After a few weeks of struggling with guilt over her decision to leave her daughter with a family member while she took a walk, or a drive or visited a friend, this young mom began
allowing herself to enjoy this time. Her cup was being filled and she was becoming reenergized. She was more patient, more thoughtful, and ultimately better able to meet her daughters needs.
Often when we deny ourselves what we need in our own lives in sacrifice for another, the very intention of selflessness results in selfishness. We can’t help but build up resentment if we martyr ourselves as caregivers. Then we become caretakers, expecting to receive payback for our caring vs caring unconditionally.
Establishing boundaries that define ourselves as separate and equally deserving of daily love, nurture and affection while we provide care to another is vital. We can still thrive in the midst of giving of ourselves as long as we don’t lose ourselves.
Exercise, eating well, time spent pursuing a passion regularly , and continuing our own relationships, allows us to maintain that boundary.
One of the greatest challenges in caretaking is time spent in a hospital. Preparation is important, having a “me bag” packed for unexpected last minute stays with a loved one makes a major difference. Packing a bag for ourselves is as important as what we pack for a loved one. Inspiring and entertaining books and music on tape allow us to put headphones on and escape. A pair of good walking shoes worn on long walks outside helps energize us after long hours of sitting. A bag of healthy snacks and a water bottle keep us hydrated and avoiding vending machines. Setting a watch or alarm on a phone reminds us on a regular basis to take walks, take breaks and return revitalized after a short time, better equipped to give.
Giving ourselves permission for this time can stretch our beliefs about responsibility and sacrifice and move us away from unhealthy conditional caretaking towards healthy caregiving.
Questions:
Am I overly connected to my role as caregiver?
Do I wake with gratitude or resentment?
Am I fatigued most of the time or do I find a way to reenergize?
Choices:
Today I choose the following healthy choices for myself
Today I will choose “me time” throughout my day
Today I choose to observe the times I feel I am making sacrifices and discover blessings
Enjoy today!